Fifty Shades of Grey

            A new Fifty Shades book can only mean one thing, it is unfortunately time for me to tackle the film based on the surprising best-seller, Fifty Shades of Grey. I will be honest, I really did not want to do this, but the topic fits considering the recent release, and I figured I would have to tackle this at some point, so why not sooner rather than later? Okay, this review will not be pretty. If you are a fan of the franchise, and the film, you should probably just get out now because you are going to hate me by the time you are finished reading this. However, before I get into my issues with this film, let us first talk about the plot for a bit.

            Okay, as I am sure you know, this film starts with young virgin, Anastasia Steele, going to conduct an interview with young billionaire, Bruce Wayne, I mean, Christian Grey. Sorry, a film this poor just makes me wish I was watching a Batman film. Anyway, Ana conducts her interview with Grey, and for whatever reason, he becomes infatuated with her, and proceeds to stalk her, which, for whatever reason, she seems to see now harm in. Somehow this leads to her falling for him, him telling her about his BDSM, and her becoming interested and researching the topic and wanting to give it a chance for him, because she is into him that much. This leads to exactly what you think it will lead to. That is right, they make love passionately, in missionary position, and it is very tender. Exactly what you expect from the BDSM guy. The rest of the film basically just goes in that direction. There is sex, nudity, Christian buying Ana gifts, etc.

            I feel for this film exactly how I feel about the book; It was an unnecessary cash-grab that adds generally nothing to the genre. The plot is just a re-telling of another plot, the characters have absolutely nothing going for them besides their hollow descriptions, the screenplay is laughable, and the pacing is absurd. The more you get into the film, the more you realize that literally nothing happens. This film has Dakota Johnson in a main role, and she is absolutely boring. I do not know how you can make an actress of Johnson’s quality and talent look so lifeless and wooden, but director Sam Taylor-Johnson manages to do just that. Jamie Dornan, I have no opinion on. This franchise is the only time I have ever seen him, but if I were to judge him based on this performance, I would think he is terrible. He does not convey that brooding, mysterious, and serious billionaire character. Rather, he just comes across as dull and uninteresting. This film is just not good, and it features no redeeming qualities. I want to find something good to say about it, and, if I had to, I would say that it is a sleek looking film. Aesthetically, it is pleasing. As far as everything else, it is a complete disaster. This is not a film that I would watch again, it is one that I recommend skipping, and this is time that I will never get back. Official Rating: 0.5 Stars.

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